Ridiculous parody-fanfic of Twi-obsessed fangirl. I wrote about a year ago, when I was still into hating Twilight and everything to do with it. I don't really need reviews, but I'd like to see what you guys think about this insane piece of whatever.
“Hey, Nikki, you wanna come see This is Just Another Disaster Movie Where Everyone Dies and Huge Things Fall Over On Top of Screaming Pedestrians, And I Think Aliens Invade with Jen and me? It like, just came out in theatres!”
“Oh, no, thanks. Like, I already made plans to go out with Edward tonight.”
“Nikki, your boyfriend’s name is Jason. How many times do I have to remind you—”
“No, not him! Edward, Edward Cullen, Maddy.”
“Oh, so you’re flying out to Forks to like, stalk an imaginary vampire?”
“Dammit, Maddy, he’s real! We saw him coming out of the supermarket like two days ago, and go across the street to that one hotel.”
“That wasn’t Edward Cullen, that was Rob—”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up! He was Edward Cullen, and he always fucking will be!”
One bus-ride and twenty minutes later…
“Ohmygawd, ohmygawd, ohmygawd! Here he comes! I should totally go talk to him. Ohmygawd, look at that car! It’s even better than a shiny Volvo!”
Watching ‘Edward Cullen’ walk towards his car from behind a pitifully small bush, Nikki argues with herself…
“If I go up to him now, he’ll be all mad that I kept him from going like, wherever he’s like, going to. Ohmygawd, he’s so hot! I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
Nine days and nine ‘tomorrows’ later…
“Today I’m gonna talk to him, as soon as he comes out of those doors…ohmygawd, there he is! Ohymgawd, those gold door thingies so accent his topaz eyes, even though I can’t be sure because I’m too far away to see them. I wonder where he finds like, mountain lions around here…ohmygawd, he’s coming this way! Ohmy…”
“Listen, I’ve no idea why you’re hiding behind that bush, or why you have been the past nine days, but if it has anything to do with thinking I’m Edward Cullen, then—”
“Ohmygawd, you do have like, a sorta accent like they said. Like, how’d you know I was here?”
“That bush isn’t exactly—”
“Ohmygawd, stupid me! I like, totally forgot for a second that you’re like, a vamp! So like, are you doing anything tonight?”
He looks as if he might be suppressing a shudder.
“Not…yet. But I—listen, Miss-whoever-you-are. I’m not Ed—”
“Ohmygawd, d’you mean Eddie’s restaurant, down the street? Oh, ew, I don’t like that place either. How about that other place, by the supermarket?”
Long, phenomenally exasperated sigh.
“Um, sure. Now?”
“Yeah, like, why not?”
One car ride, five minutes of senseless chatter and an order of two cheeseburgers later…
“So, like, what d’you like, do in your spare time, Edward?”
Torn between terrifying and boring her to death, he finally replies, with a gusty sigh:
“Spare time? I don’t have any spare time! I hardly have any time at all! Alice is constantly reminding me to Turn Bella, and Bella won’t do anything but give me those freaky bedroom eyes. She’s crazy! She’s a whore! And don’t get me started on Carlisle; he never stops his droning about responsibilities and choices and—”
He pauses, looking very pointedly at the pretty waitress as she walks up with their dinner.
“Oh, thanks.”
Chomp-slurp, slurp-slurp-slurp.
“Heyyy. I thought—you’re a vampire, you can’t eat! At least, not so loudly.”
He ignores her, continues eating in the most determinedly messy way.
“Anyways. And then there’s Esme. You think she’s the best mother ever? Hah, every time I walk in the door after school, she just looks at me with those big gold eyes, like I did something horrible just by existing. I mean, what is that even about?”
“Hey, Edward, if I could—”
“That’s not even the worst of it, either. Rosalie corners me, every chance she gets, and starts her own lecture about how if she’d had the choice, she would’ve been married and dead about a million years ago. Don’t ask me what that means, though, I never listen long enough to find out. And why do people have to think so much? I get a headache the moment I walk into school, and it doesn’t go away all day!”
“Yeah, well, like, if you’re done, I wanted to—”
“You wanted to ask about Jasper? Oh my God, what a baby! He can’t hardly go anywhere without going mental about some person walking past him. The kid’s got no self-control, and when Alice isn’t talking about Turning Bella, she’s telling everyone how much Jaspy has progressed since she found him in that crappy bar somewhere in Mexico, or something. And I swear, if I hear Emmett make one more joke about Bella and her stupid bedroom eyes, I will lose it!”
Nikki looks torn between repulsion and disappointment. A relative silence as she picks at her dinner and he practically inhales the remainder of his.
“And that’s just my family. Mike Newton? What a joke! As if he doesn’t see how absolutely obsessed Bella is with me! I could throw her out a five-storey window into a forest on fire and crawling with rabid mountain lions, laughing as she gets torn apart, and her last words would still be, ‘I love you, Edward!’ It’s sick!”
“Dude, like—”
“Jacob Black? You want to know about that…thing? Oh, if I could just get my hands around his stupid, good-for-nothing neck! He all but makes Bella cheat on me, and then I’m forced to tell her I don’t mind if she snogs other guys because if I said I did she’d probably go into another one of those self-induced comas. God, ever since that Swan girl came tripping and stumbling and breaking things into my life – existence, whatever – everything’s been a nightmare.”
He puts his head in his hands, and Nikki scoots back, eyes wide. She mouths the words, ‘What the hell?’
“Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Jacob Black. I’m trying to find a way to kill him and make it look like suicide, but with that stupid pack of dog’s telepathic thing, it’s harder than you might think. Since I’m always prepared, I keep a suicide note with his forged handwriting scribbled on it in my wallet, just in case an opportunity ever arises. Smart of me, isn’t it?”
Another pause, as if he actually expects a reply. She nods warily, still leaning as far back from the table as she possibly can.
“Sometimes I just think it’d be easier to skydive right into Volturra, you know? Sparkling like a disco ball and singing that idiotic song from that Muppets movie. Wait, I told you about Charlie, didn’t I?”
Nikki shakes her head, then suddenly it seems to occur to her that the less he says is all the better—she nods quickly. He seems not to notice the second movement.
“Agh, the man hasn’t shut up since the day I met him! He either admires me loads and wants me to marry his clumsy, retarded daughter, or he hates me with this overprotective passion and bans me from the house. It changes back and forth every month or so. I’ve gotten used to it, but to get him out the way is not the last thing on my agenda. Hey, are you gonna finish that burger?”
“Oh, no, I guess not. Y-you can have it.”
“Thanks.”
Mmmf-grnnch-sluurrrpp-mfffmmff.
“Ahm, what were we talking about?”
“Oh, nothing! Nothing, like, at all. You were just, like, saying how lonely it was in your hotel room at night.”
Silence.
“Was I? Well, can’t say I remember that. This food must be amnesia-inducing. Maybe I’ll sue them. We all know how much I need the money.”
He pounds his fist on the table, laughing near hysterically. She smiles weakly and averts her eyes, as if that will translate to anyone who notices the two of them that she doesn’t know him.
“Gee, it’s getting late. You should go before your parents start imagining all kinds of ways you could die violently while wandering around here. Here, we can split the bill.”
One mortified look, one obvious glance at the pretty waitress and two doors slamming later.
“So like, are you like, single right now?” She’s not sure she wants to know anymore.
“Depends. How much?”
He hits the steering wheel almost hard enough to break it into pieces, laughing pointlessly and noisily like a man inebriated. Her sigh goes unheard, and she looks tempted to escape the moving vehicle via any available exit.
“Sorry, it was too funny, I couldn’t resist.”
“’Course you couldn’t.” Sullen.
“No, I’m seriously sorry. It was stupid joke to make, whatever else. I’ll shut up now, if you want me to.”
No response, but she doesn’t appear to mind this arrangement.
“You can leave me here. I can catch the bus home.”
Relieved smile that he hopes she sees.
“Sweet.”
He looks out the window the next morning, searching every bush with very un-topazish eyes. Thank God for people who don’t look like Greek gods.
A smile, then.
“She won’t be back.”
“Hey, Nikki, we put off seeing This is Just Another Disaster Movie Where Everyone Dies and Huge Things Fall Over On Top of Screaming Pedestrians, And I Think Aliens Invade until you were available. Is tonight good?”
“Oh, gawd, Maddy, I’d love to, but I just saw Jasper go into Eddie’s. I’m going undercover!”
“Nikki, you do know that’s actually Jack—”
Click. Call ended.
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140,728 Literary Works • 673,682 Reviews
Honestly, I thought it was hilarious. Well written and totally creative. Including with the name of the movie in the beginning. Very creative. Good job!
-Kadi
Hahahah, Oh that made me chuckle
The perfect antidote to a cynical view on twilight. 
Hahaha. That will actually keep me laughing for a while now...
Aha. Love it
Thanks for the laugh! x
Oh my God, that's the most hilarious Twifanfic I've ever read! Laughed out loud so many times, and I just loved it.
Very nice writing techniques and balanced dialogue.
All mistakes I've spotted were pointed out by previous reviews, so no need to blurt them out again.
Very humorous, quirky, laughable weather you're a Twifan or Hater (personally I'm Switzerland).
Keep up the good work and I'd love to see what you might write in the future!
Oh my God, that's the most hilarious Twifanfic I've ever read! Laughed out loud so many times, and I just loved it.
Very nice writing techniques and balanced dialogue.
All mistakes I've spotted were pointed out by previous reviews, so no need to blurt them out again.
Very humorous, quirky, laughable weather you're a Twifan or Hater (personally I'm Switzerland).
Keep up the good work and I'd love to see what you might write in the future!
Oh my God, that's the most hilarious Twifanfic I've ever read! Laughed out loud so many times, and I just loved it.
Very nice writing techniques and balanced dialogue.
All mistakes I've spotted were pointed out by previous reviews, so no need to blurt them out again.
Very humorous, quirky, laughable weather you're a Twifan or Hater (personally I'm Switzerland).
Keep up the good work and I'd love to see what you might write in the future!
Oh my god! This was really great! I'm a huge fan of Twilight and that made me laugh super hard. Its very true about most girls and their obsession. I'll have you know that I am NOT like that though
OHMYGOD this is awesome ! You're a genius ! Loved it loved it loved it !
Thanks for the laugh. Keep it up
To Magnusbanefan13:
In British English, it does.
Nice fan fic, very fresh. =)
HAHA! I laughed so hard. If you hate twilight watch Alex Reads Twilight on YouTube. It's super funny.
Jenn
I personally have never liked Edward (he was either creepy or annoying or a mix of both), but now I can't help but feel sorry for the poor guy... This was fantastic and completely over-the-top- good stuff!
This was soooo funny! I nearly peed myself laughing!!! *LIKE*!!!
Oh my gosh, That was so funny
I could not stopo laughing.
I love when the time lapses
Like 9 tomorrows later.. so funny
I loved it (:
Oh my gosh, That was so funny
I could not stopo laughing.
I love when the time lapses
Like 9 tomorrows later.. so funny
I loved it (:
wow that was pretty interesting i'll admit! I am actually in love with the twilight saga but this was still pretty funny! really all i saw was one or two misspellings here and there but otherwise it was interesting! i do like that incredibly long movie title. Overall: i liked it. it was a good teaser. very funny. Good Job! you got very creative with this! you should never lose creativity. and always remember: when writing have fun! because if you have fun writing ur story then most likely the readers will have just as much fun reading it!
Hi there! As requested, I won't go in-depth and review it randomly. I'll just give you my thoughts.
It was funny, very good parody. The movie title was awesome, I actually want to go see that now that I think about it. I can't really give this a serious review, but it was great, and had some truth to it. Good job!
Sporks
This is funny enough to be read and good enough to keep reading. If Edward Cullen was real, I'm sure he'd appreciate the break you just gave him. Nikki is sure to be spreading this on Facebook, which could result in mass hysteria except that most people don't believe a thing unless proof is provided... She really should've taken photos... Overall though, I enjoyed the story too much to notice any errors so good work :] thumbs up
Soooooooooo super funny, I really enjoyed it, and like the others said, it had a bit of truth to it, I guess that's why it was so funny.
I'm pretty much a fan of anything that ruthlessly mocks Twilight. It doesn't even have to be well-written, because, let's face it: neither is Twilight. This was much more well-written than your average Twilight parody, however, so nice work. I like that it was completely dialogue-driven too, because I'm a big dialogue skank. Extra props for managing to mock just about everyone in the entire series.
Thanks for a fun read!
hahahhahahah
Even though i am a fan of Twilight i found this very well written and creative. I liked the way he just gives up on trying to convince her he's not Edward and just goes with it, but makes him sound bad. Very funny!!
Nice ending too!
That was very very very hilarious.
I have some extremely obsessed Twilight fan friends that would probably act like this if they got within a mile of Rob Pattinson or Taylor Lautner. (But I sure hope that they would have the sense to at least realize that they're not the real fictional characters. But many fans treat those guys like them. Oh well.)
Anyway is there any chance you could write something similar to this? It was so fun to read!
This is the second time I've read it but it still makes me ROFL. Gawd! I could've sworn the costumers were staring at me. (But the again, they should get used to it by now.) Still lovin it girl.
this is sooo funny. seriously. i hate spoof's but even i laughed at this. good job!
Hilarious!!!!
Haha, this was awesome, thanks for the laugh!
Hahahaha, I had a huge smile on my face the whole time I was reading this. Love it! lol
~Shaard
Very nice! I hate twilight, and I guess 'Edward Cullen' does too. I enjoyed him bashing twilight while she was sure that he was Cullen. The movie title was good as well.
Haha it's funny as, this is the second parody of Twilight I've read, and I love it...was this based on that stalker chick who went out to dinner with Edward because he was lonely then left cuz he was boring? Haha lol anyways, it was good. Keep up the writing! Lol.
This is hilarious. Although, I don't what happened to Robert Pattinson in here. At first. he was going to tell her that he's not Edward Cullen or something but then, he goes on and acts like a crazy person, sorry, I meant vampire and talk about stuff like Bella and his family. So funny!
AHHHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed SO hard! This is Hilarious, especially for someone who's read it! You're a genius! Pure genius!
~Cheez_Burger~
Hahaha! That's fantastic! I really love your parody of Twilight... or rather, Twilight fans. I'm not a Twilight fan, and when I first saw that this was Twilight fanfiction, I really did not expect something like this. Good grammar, great dialogue, fantastic plot/parody, and I laughed nearly the whole way through. Especially at the ending... That was really great. Definitely one of my favorites.
Oh geez, this is still making me laugh. "...and Bella won’t do anything but give me those freaky bedroom eyes. She’s crazy! She’s a whore!" XD I LOVE IT!
Thank you. Except it's Voltera, not Volturra. Unless you meant to write that in mockery.
Wow... That is all I have to say at this point.
I do love Twilight, but I'm not obsessed with it. I have to say that this is one of the most funniest parody fanfics I have ever read about Twilight. I applaud you for that. I was laughing so hard, during that whole exchange. I wonder if that is how he actually has to react to some of his fans. And that girl! Typical fan girl, really good persona for her. You nailed it.
Anyway, thanks for writing this. It made my day.
Teddy
I must say, I thought it was pretty darn funny!
I could just imagine Robert Pattinson doing that to get a fan girl off his back. Sitting and snarfing down food like some sort of animal ranting about his own pathetic "life" while crazed fan girl watches, eyes wide 0.0
I also liked how the friends were like, "Wait, no, that's...."
And they never get a chance to finish.
Oh my goodness, that was hilarious! I loved it. You got me chuckling to myself in a silenced room with my dad watching the tv... I looked like I was going crazy. Well worth it, though. I could picture it in my head completely, I can see poor Robert going over these awkward situations over and over. This would do a great sketch were Robert to be the SNL host for one night
Great job, keep writing!
Wow, that was---slightly disturbing. Still, very funny. I cracked up.
Besides, it's not even that far fetched... Sigh.
Anyway, just one or two things:
Don't like this. It doesn't really fit the whole "twilight fangirl" persona.
Why exactly are all these bits in italics? The way it's written is almost like a script. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, I just found it kinda distracting.
Ok--I think that's it. I look forward to reading your other works.
See you around!
Lupis
I really liked this! It was funny, and the voice of the main character was very distinct and very... fangirlish.
I did notice a few things, though.
Maybe it's just because I personally don't like the f word, but it seems out of place here.
Found a tiny spelling mistake. "Story" doesn't have an e in it.
I loved this part!
The bolded part doesn't flow very well. Maybe try rewording it?
Other than those little mistakes, I thought it was great! It was definitely different from other Twilight fan fictions that I've read.
OMG so funny! This isn't even a review, it's just me saying fantastic!
Loved it! Ending is sooo funny.
It was.... a bit over the top but very funny indeed. I really really liked the part he rambles on, especially about Esme ["I mean, what is that about?"]I was laughing really hard
I really liked the flow: it was cut up by calls and stuff, but it fit it well. All of the ramblings are awesome. Great text! It was a very fun read 
ofir
Aw, I was laughing so hard I thought it would bust my op stitches! Haha, It was the funniest (and probably most accurate) depiction of how R Patz would react. I loved it. I must say, I am sort of a Twi- hater but I agree with Jordan. Let's just hate the fans.
This was so funny.
I used to hate Twilight terribly.
Now, I just hate the fans.
Good Job, Keep Writing, haaha.
-jordan.(:
This was seriously funny. Awesome. =D I loved it! The deep dark secrets within the perfect vamp family, or whatever. xD
Haha, I loved it.
This one takes a different direction from other Twilight spoofs I've seen so far, so well done. Poor, poor Rob. 
Robyn.
Heeheeheehee nice xD
Thanks for the laugh!
Hahaha I'm not really a fan of Twilight so this made me laugh my ass off! I love your movie title.
"This is Just Another Disaster Movie Where Everyone Dies and Huge Things Fall Over On Top of Screaming Pedestrians, And I Think Aliens Invade"
The question is what would the sequel be? "Once Again Another Popcorn Flick Where Everyone Leaves Satisfied Until They Think About The Plot And Realize That The Hero Could Never Survive That One Explosion? Haha Jk.
Thanks for making me laugh